Knowing you won't hug that loved one again, it tears your heart out. The pain is sometimes overwhelming, and grief....well, that sucks too.
Over the last 5+ years, I've said goodbye to more loved ones than I would have imagined I would. It all started with my husband, my son's father. We lost Chris in March of 2009 to a snowmobile accident, and since then, it's been loss after loss.
Last year was the most difficult for us, by far. My "little brother" CJ passed away, unexpectedly, out of the blue, just like that. Poof. Gone.
Brent, my beautiful Brent. He was next. Even though we knew it was coming, it was more painful than I ever expected it to be. Ouch.
The day after Brent, "Whitey". Mike's Dad....the amazing, happy, playful man that we loved.....Whitey was gone.
Then Ed. Eddie-skeddy......Ed was after that. His year anniversary is this weekend, and I sit, still in shock that he's not here. I miss Ed....that guy always had a wise-ass remark to throw at me. Shit. I miss him so much.
So, over the last year alone, it's been a nightmare. I've watched people die, and watched people I love, have THEIR loved-ones die. People that are much too young. People who don't get to LIVE, and they should be able to! It's not okay. I'm angry.
Now, fast forward to a month or so ago. Diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Cancer. The "C" word. FUCK. My entire life flashed....I've heard about it, but it did happen to me. I saw MY ENTIRE LIFE flash before my eyes. Started dissecting everything I've done, choices I've made, stupid, idiotic choices. Did I CAUSE this? No. It just happens sometimes, and I know this. It doesn't HELP to know this. I'll be honest. It all happened so quickly, and for that I'm grateful. Treatment is done, and hopefully it won't happen again, fingers crossed! I won't know for a while if I'm "cancer free", but I will BELIEVE I am.....and that will make it so. I'm still recovering from treatment, I'm tired. Super tired. I am starting to function better though, and that is a plus.
Yesterday. Sucked.
Mike's dog, Maggie. She's awesome. I've loved her since the second I laid eyes on her, ten years ago. Even though I TRIED to tell myself that I wouldn't fall in love with her. (I had just had to put my pet bunny to sleep, and in my mind, refused to love another fur-baby in fear of that kind of pain again) Those eyes, and when I came into the house, she smiled at me. It melted my heart. Seriously. MELTED.
Wouldn't YOU? I mean LOOK......
Isn't she just the sweetest?
She is. Take my word for it.
Later today, we have to say goodbye for the last time, to Maggie. We will miss her more than words can describe. She will take a piece of ALL of our hearts with her, forever. We love you Mags.
Love, hugs, and belly rubs,
Mike
Jilly
Linda
Jack
Tyler
....your family....<3 <3 <3
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