This last few weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster for me. Losing my "Little Brother" at the age of 33....how does that happen?? How does someone SO alive, just lose his life? How can God take someone so intelligent, a father, a boyfriend, a brother, away from this world? It's painful, and feels so wrong. Sadness, and confusion take over me.
Two weeks later.....still grieving C.J., Brent is suffering. Let's talk about pain......that man, fighting the horrible monster, A.L.S.......is in pain. There's no mistaking it. Brent is fighting.....as I have never witnessed before. He's fighting to breathe. Fighting to sit. Fighting to LIVE. Lou Gehrig's disease is a frigging MONSTER. I hate ALS. I really do. On Tuesday, last week, Brent lost his long, almost 12 year battle with ALS. Losing Brent has left a hole in my soul. Something that I'm sure will never go away. I've called Brent, "Superman" since......well, since I was about 10 years old. That man would climb up on just about ANYTHING, and easily do a back flip. No, seriously, just like I would jump off a curb, he would jump, tuck, and land on his feet, as gracefully as a cat. Done. He would fly off of anything, a bench, a log on the beach, anything that was standing in his way. Fly. Superman. Embedded into my memory. Forever.
One day after Brent left this Earth, Dwayne passed. Mike's Dad. Whitey. That man was so full of happiness. Fun. He had an amazing way about him. No one can ever duplicate. Mike and I would walk into see him, and he would smile, and EVERY SINGLE TIME, without fail, ask us both when we were planning on getting married. Mike and I would laugh, and we would all joke around. I have to be honest here, I will miss that. I will miss his smile, his sense of humor, and his wit.
So, through all of this sadness and pain, I have had so many people ask me, or say to me, "Jill, how are you? How are you doing this? You are so strong!" No, I'm not as strong as I look on the outside. I'm in pain. I'm broken. I'm sad, and I honestly don't know if my heart will ever feel as happy as it once did with these amazing men in my life. They are gone. How do you heal from losing so much in such a short period of time? How do I enjoy my life again without sadness? I suppose I will keep living, I mean, do I REALLY have a choice in the matter? I need to live the best I know how. I need to show my son, that even with sadness and pain, we can live, somehow go on......and do it with a smile.
Dang! I think I need to regroup today. Get back into doing the things to me that matter. My awesome business. My amazing friends. My KICK ASS son. My life. Without three men, who I loved so much. With a hole in my soul today, I will begin again. I will start to heal, breathe, and find something today, that I can smile at.
Rest in Peace C.J. Moschetto
Rest in Peace Brent Paulhus
Rest in Peace Dwayne Welch
How blessed I am to have you ALL touch my soul the way you did.
~Jilly
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What is ALS?
