No Path is so clear......no step is too easy....

"Nobody knows the REAL ME. Nobody knows how many times I've sat in my room and cried, how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back to tears, how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap but don't just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that have gone through my head whenever I'm sad, and how horrible they really are."

I saw this on Facebook, and it got me thinking.....if no one REALLY knows the REAL ME, then whose fault is that?  It's not THEIR fault.  It's MY fault.  I had a long, late night conversation with a certain someone over the last few nights.  Talking about SO many things.....mostly about people in general, and how we process pain, sadness, anger, and how other feelings, they DO come into play, but are they really necessary to become truly happy.  There are so many factors that come into play here.  Situations are all different.  Reactions are different.  People are different.  What does it all come down to?  Why do people see the same situation, totally differently?

Life has been one big huge challenge for me lately.  I've lost so much in such a short period of time.  With that alone, now is the time I really need to look OUTSIDE of myself, and honestly take into consideration of how others are feeling also.  Death is always the toughest of situations to deal with.  Everyone sees it differently, and reacts differently.  We all process differently.  We all feel pain differently.  No one can ever know what you are feeling, or what kind of pain it is causing you.  In this case, me.  Even if or when I try to explain it, can I really explain HOW I am feeling?  No, I don't think there are enough words to.  I don't know HOW I am processing all of this at once, but I am.  I am truly in tune with HOW I feel, and sometimes I just don't want to be.  I want to run and hide.  Close myself off from the world, and climb into bed, sleep the day away, ignoring life.  This is something we all do.  How many times have YOU wanted to do this?  I know lately, it's a lot more times than I want to count.  

Putting all of that aside here, let's be honest, NONE of us have TIME for that!  We HAVE to keep living, and work, be a parent, show a GOOD example of how to deal with life's bullshit.  We just do.  "Put on your Big Girl panties and deal with it" "Suck it up, Buttercup!"......so that's what I am doing.  Even though, today I want to climb into my bed, pull up the covers and hide from the world.....I'm not.....I'm gonna keep on going.  For today.  I am.

~Jilly